Can I get a re-do?

The end of the year has me doing a lot of reflecting and reflecting leads to writing. You know those women who post tons of pictures of their husbands and kids? "Bored Housewife!" I don't see a bored housewife. I see a happy woman who is proud of her family. I'm a single mom and I am not necessarily proud of it. My children are truly my blessings. Each pregnancy was a slap in the face for me that I need change. I need more. At the end of every year I look back at all my mistakes. Can I get a re-do? But I am growing.

I think a home should have a head of the house. In my case a man. Now don't get me wrong. Certainly not any man. I mean my family should have a man to love and to take care of. To love and to take care of us. Who protects and provides for us. The man who can put his foot down when a mother’s heart is just too big. A man strong enough to handle me when I am emotional. A man who appreciates a strong woman. Someone to be a good role model for the children. I want a best friend, and a true partner. To share all the joy that the kids bring to me and to listen to me vent on a bad day. Someone who gets my smart ass personality. To share the work and the land. A man who appreciates the "good o'l days".

Yes, single moms are strong. We are fabulous. I work a "man's job". Then I come in and do all the duties of a housewife. I play every role. Should I have to? No. Is life fair? No. Do I resent it? Not anymore. I do get frustrated with our acceptable standards of society. Our acceptance of EVERYTHING. I have been there and at one time I thought I knew it all. Everyone else were a bunch of boring old squares. Boring, old, happy, smart squares! I am still growing and learning every day. I have spent so much time trying to outrun, push away, and for sure nurse my wounds. The bad things that happened to me could give me a free pass to do whatever I wanted. Whenever I wanted, however I wanted and just try and stop me! Wrong. Bad things happen to all of us every day and they will for as long as we live. It's not an excuse to forget your manners, values, morals, and common sense. We hurt and then we act out. It's human nature but it's not an excuse.

Every year I let go of more and more people. You know the saying I can do bad by myself. It's true. To do good you need to surround yourself with positive people headed in the same direction as you. If not it’s just too easy to get lost along the way. People become desensitized to what is right and what is wrong. My favorite thing about a small town is that if you do something everyone eventually finds out. So then just assume everyone will know everything you do. If you make mistakes, then make a mistake do your best to make it right. Humility is a beautiful thing. If you are embarrassed and you are ashamed then you have an opportunity to make a change. Do not enable people! So many of us do it. Whether it's to be supportive, to not get involved, not wanting to see that fault within our self, loving someone too much to hurt their feelings or because misery loves company. You must fall on your face and pick yourself back up to learn. That's how you learned to walk, that's how you'll learn to live.

So many people have reached out to me about my family situations. Usually it's to share their anger, disgust, and disappointment. While their hearts are in the right places their mind is not. When you get upset about something it is because you feel something is wrong. What I need is people who encourage my faith, hope, courage and positive thoughts. I do not need you to fuel my anger, resentment, and hurt. That is another way to be an enabler. If you want to help people, I will tell you what you can do. When you see something that you think is wrong say something. Use that disgust to speak up. We must stand up for the things we believe in to make change happen.

I became a single mom because of addiction, enablers, poor choices and misplaced priorities. I mourned that for way too long. Forgiveness can be a battlefield at times. I have relied on my perspective, attitude, the positive changes I choose to make every day, and my faith. In the hardest times of my life I have found more joy in being a mother, our home, my hobbies, and "good o'l fashioned fun". I was told that my faith will not be without reward and I truly believe that. I know my opinions will not always make me popular. But there are just so many better things to be. My whole life I have learned the hard way. That's where stubborn gets you. So maybe a few of you can learn from my mistakes.

xoxo